Of Green and Glass: Dealing with Loss

Of Green and Glass:

Where Down to Earth Solutions and a Glass Edge Meet

By Goewin GreenWitch

Dear Goewin,

            It’s Samhain, and I’m conflicted.  I have always adored this holiday, and have since I was a child.  It was always more than the candy, and the chance to be someone else for the night.  I truly believed, even as a child that the Spirits I saw during my daily life were more easily understood at “Hallowe’en”. 

            My conflict comes from the series of events from the last year.  You see, my brother died this past spring, and it’s not clear as to whether his death was accidental or a suicide.  The police say there were drugs in his system and he stumbled onto the train tracks in his back yard.  Since no one knows for sure if it was an accident or not, it’s causing a lot of problems in our family. 

            My other brother makes things worse, by announcing that because he is recently “saved” he believes that our brother is burning in hell for having committed suicide.  Apparently he found Jesus last month in jail and that makes him an expert. 

            I’d love to celebrate Samhain and Honor him as I would any of my beloved dead, but I don’t feel his is “really” dead.  I’ve seen him, his spirit, a few months after his death, not in passing but for extended periods.  He asked me to tell our father that he was okay.  My dad has just now started to seem like his old self and I don’t want to hurt him further by mentioning it.

Do I know if he committed suicide?  No. I was too mad at my brother for dying to speak to him when he appeared to me. So all I know is that he says he’s okay.  Obviously (to me) if he can pop in to say he’s okay, then he’s not burning in hell.  Some might say that this was just my imagination brought on by grief, but I really believe it was him. 

            I feel bad that I wouldn’t talk to him when he showed up so unexpectedly, and he hasn’t come back.  How do I go about my Samhain plans feeling like I’ve abandoned my brother when he needed me?  I can’t tell my father he’s okay.  My mother and other family members have seen ghosts and communicated with them, so I know he would believe me, but I don’t want to remind him of his pain, either.  Do I mourn a suicide victim, or just the victim of an accident?

-Sad at Samhain

           

Dear Sad,

            That’s an awful lot to process for one person.  Any one part of that is enough to upset someone, and for you to be dealing with it at once can be hard.  I know you got dealt a crap hand in all of this, but you’re going to have to figure out a way to deal.  Life isn’t always fair, but I can tell you are a tough cookie, and you’ll do fine.  Let’s take this piece by piece. 

            Your brother’s death is a hard enough problem to deal with by itself.  It’s hard to have closure when you know the how of his death, but not the why.  I know it’s hard to talk about; suicide is almost as much a taboo in the Pagan community as it is in the mundane. 

Not many people know that there is a Goddess just for suicide victims.  Ixtab is a Mayan Goddess, who is believed to carry the souls of suicide victims in her heart to Paradise.  I’m sure if suicide were involved, she carried your brother in her heart to a place where he could rest and deal with what happened before moving on. 

I know you want to honor your brother’s memory by letting your father know he is okay, but I think the time for this is down the way, after he has had time to overcome his grief at his loss.  

With the common belief in reincarnation and the Summerland as a part of Wiccan and some Pagan beliefs it’s common to hear that victims of suicide weren’t capable of dealing with the lessons they chose for this lifetime and that they’ll need to repeat them in the next.  Whether or not he was an accident victim or not, I firmly believe that his coming to you to let you know he was okay was the important part. 

            Your brother’s assertions about heaven and hell come from his desire to exert some control over his loss and his own feelings.  Even though it is hurtful to you to hear him say these things, it’s merely his way of dealing.  It doesn’t make it right, but I hope that helps you understand where he’s coming from. 

            Samhain is the perfect time to let him know that you love him and miss him.  You can set up a special ancestral altar, and give photos of him prominence. Talk to him as if he were standing in front of you.  I’m sure wherever he is, he will hear you.  Don’t muddy your celebration with feelings of guilt.  You responded as many people would.  Samhain is the time to celebrate the times you enjoyed with your loved ones, not to concentrate on their death.  On this day he is not an accident victim, or a suicide victim, he’s your brother.

Of Green and Glass: Make (Martial) Arts, not War

Dear Goewin,

            I’ve been on the Wiccan path for quite a few years now, and recently started attending Tae Kwon Do classes with my kids.  It’s fun for us, and I like being able to do something with them, instead of dropping them off somewhere.  How do I reconcile my enjoyment of martial arts with what I have been taught about the Rede and rules governing “harm none”?
                                                                                                            -Martial, not Mean

Dear Martial,

            Doing things with your kids is not wrong.  Enjoying activities that get them out of the house, away from TV and video games is not wrong.  While we’re at it, protecting yourself is not wrong!  

What is wrong is the people in the world that think it’s  okay to get what they want in the world by taking it from other people.  Every day I see it.  Even in this “small town”.  On the news each night, I see people kicking in doors on other people’s homes, to steal and do whatever they like to get whatever they like.  

That does not mean that you are somehow a “bad” person for wanting to protect you and yours!  The Rede may say “Harm None” but allowing someone to come into your home to hurt you, or your family, steal from you and abuse you and then to walk away unscathed?  That’s harm.  That person is going to go do it to someone else, and then their harm is on you as well because you allowed this person to continue harming others.  Let's not forget, there are plenty of Wiccans who don't even follow the Rede, but that's a topic for another day.

Does this make you a “mean” person?  No.  You are not going around kicking puppies, right?  Then to Tartarus with them.  Does this mean that you are looking to get into a fight “just so you can use what you know”?  Absolutely not.  I’m sure that by now you have gotten that from your instructor. The aim of martial arts is not to start fights, but to be able to avoid them. 

            

            I’m sure you have no moral objection to carrying an umbrella in case of rain, am I right?  I look at martial arts in the same way. What you learn in the dojo and its real world application is a tool.  You have it in case you need it, not so you can use it every day.  I feel the same way about responsible gun ownership, but that’s a different topic.  

The bottom line here is, don’t ever let anyone tell you that it is not okay to protect your family in the way you see fit, as long as it is responsible and legally protected.  They don’t have to live your life, or protect your family, that’s your job.  If it feels right to you, go for it. If it bothers them that much, they don’t need to be your friend. 

Of Green and Glass: Funeral wishes and last requests

While going through materials I've written for a book, I thought I'd share some of my 

'Of Green and Glass'  columns I wrote for "Thorn Magazine".

Dear Goewin,

            My family has recently suffered a death in the family.   While it was difficult to process at first, this is not the reason I’m writing to you.  During this mourning process, and funeral I started to wonder about how my funeral would be handled by my loved ones.  If I am not married to a Pagan, or my family does not share my beliefs, how can I explain the funeral customs I would like to partake in? Should I just leave instructions?  What basis do current society’s rituals have in common with earlier pagan rites?  What does a “Pagan Funeral” consist of? 

-Planning Ahead

Dear Planning Ahead,

            I’m sorry to hear of your loss, and hope by the time you read this, the grief will have dulled some.

            Let me start by saying that writing your wishes down only helps if you explain them to the person or people you are going to ask to carry out those wishes once you have crossed to the Other Side.    

            There are many funeral customs that have their roots in superstitions surrounding death and dying.  For instance flowers were placed at the graveside to appease the spirit of the deceased, and special clothing was worn by mourners to disguise their identities from returning spirits.   The loud and rowdy parties referred to as a “wake” were just that, the townspeople and family were trying to see if the person was indeed deceased, or just sleeping.  Twenty one gun salutes started in an earlier form where tribes believed that evil spirits hovered near the dead and the grieving, so they would hurl spears into the sky to drive off the spirits.

            When it comes to Pagan funerals, it’s just like many other things in the realm of Paganism, in that it’s up to individual Traditions and practices.  I polled about sixty Pagans in order to find out what they wanted done after they die.  The two most popular responses I got were, “Bury me without chemicals in the most natural way possible, and plant my favorite tree over my grave,” and “Cremate me, scatter my ashes in a beautiful, meaningful spot and have a party without tears”.   I only got one response of “bury me in the way of my parent faith”.  I did however get a few, “I’m not there anymore so it won’t matter to me” answers. 

            When it comes down to it?  The thing that is important is that you know your wishes will be taken care of by someone you trust.  Whether that person is a spouse / family member or a friend / coven mate that is up to you.  Just try to be as clear as possible, and it’ll all work out.