Of Green and Glass: Dealing with Loss

Of Green and Glass:

Where Down to Earth Solutions and a Glass Edge Meet

By Goewin GreenWitch

Dear Goewin,

            It’s Samhain, and I’m conflicted.  I have always adored this holiday, and have since I was a child.  It was always more than the candy, and the chance to be someone else for the night.  I truly believed, even as a child that the Spirits I saw during my daily life were more easily understood at “Hallowe’en”. 

            My conflict comes from the series of events from the last year.  You see, my brother died this past spring, and it’s not clear as to whether his death was accidental or a suicide.  The police say there were drugs in his system and he stumbled onto the train tracks in his back yard.  Since no one knows for sure if it was an accident or not, it’s causing a lot of problems in our family. 

            My other brother makes things worse, by announcing that because he is recently “saved” he believes that our brother is burning in hell for having committed suicide.  Apparently he found Jesus last month in jail and that makes him an expert. 

            I’d love to celebrate Samhain and Honor him as I would any of my beloved dead, but I don’t feel his is “really” dead.  I’ve seen him, his spirit, a few months after his death, not in passing but for extended periods.  He asked me to tell our father that he was okay.  My dad has just now started to seem like his old self and I don’t want to hurt him further by mentioning it.

Do I know if he committed suicide?  No. I was too mad at my brother for dying to speak to him when he appeared to me. So all I know is that he says he’s okay.  Obviously (to me) if he can pop in to say he’s okay, then he’s not burning in hell.  Some might say that this was just my imagination brought on by grief, but I really believe it was him. 

            I feel bad that I wouldn’t talk to him when he showed up so unexpectedly, and he hasn’t come back.  How do I go about my Samhain plans feeling like I’ve abandoned my brother when he needed me?  I can’t tell my father he’s okay.  My mother and other family members have seen ghosts and communicated with them, so I know he would believe me, but I don’t want to remind him of his pain, either.  Do I mourn a suicide victim, or just the victim of an accident?

-Sad at Samhain

           

Dear Sad,

            That’s an awful lot to process for one person.  Any one part of that is enough to upset someone, and for you to be dealing with it at once can be hard.  I know you got dealt a crap hand in all of this, but you’re going to have to figure out a way to deal.  Life isn’t always fair, but I can tell you are a tough cookie, and you’ll do fine.  Let’s take this piece by piece. 

            Your brother’s death is a hard enough problem to deal with by itself.  It’s hard to have closure when you know the how of his death, but not the why.  I know it’s hard to talk about; suicide is almost as much a taboo in the Pagan community as it is in the mundane. 

Not many people know that there is a Goddess just for suicide victims.  Ixtab is a Mayan Goddess, who is believed to carry the souls of suicide victims in her heart to Paradise.  I’m sure if suicide were involved, she carried your brother in her heart to a place where he could rest and deal with what happened before moving on. 

I know you want to honor your brother’s memory by letting your father know he is okay, but I think the time for this is down the way, after he has had time to overcome his grief at his loss.  

With the common belief in reincarnation and the Summerland as a part of Wiccan and some Pagan beliefs it’s common to hear that victims of suicide weren’t capable of dealing with the lessons they chose for this lifetime and that they’ll need to repeat them in the next.  Whether or not he was an accident victim or not, I firmly believe that his coming to you to let you know he was okay was the important part. 

            Your brother’s assertions about heaven and hell come from his desire to exert some control over his loss and his own feelings.  Even though it is hurtful to you to hear him say these things, it’s merely his way of dealing.  It doesn’t make it right, but I hope that helps you understand where he’s coming from. 

            Samhain is the perfect time to let him know that you love him and miss him.  You can set up a special ancestral altar, and give photos of him prominence. Talk to him as if he were standing in front of you.  I’m sure wherever he is, he will hear you.  Don’t muddy your celebration with feelings of guilt.  You responded as many people would.  Samhain is the time to celebrate the times you enjoyed with your loved ones, not to concentrate on their death.  On this day he is not an accident victim, or a suicide victim, he’s your brother.